Do you mean to tell me that you actually like that breed of dog?

Actually, yes, I do like this breed. Actually, I’m obsessed with it. I understand you might not like the way my Newfie slobbers, but if you want my opinion about that little Chihuahua you carry around in your backpack, I think it looks like a rat! Clearly, everyone has different tastes, and I’m happy to keep mine. 

I can buy a puppy right like this for a lot cheaper anywhere else. 

Well, er, I can think of two words that best describe what goes through my mind when you say this, and it goes something like this. “Go ahead.” Listen, I won’t get up in the middle of the night to look after the puppies, spend hours on end cleaning this place up, invest all the blood, sweat, and tears that it takes to breed the right way, and all for nothing. It’s taken years of work to make this happen, and the litter I’m showing you is a labor of love and commitment. If you don’t appreciate that, you are more than welcome to find a puppy somewhere else. I will not be offended. Oh, and please shake the dust off your feet as you’re leaving! 

Sorry, I didn’t take my puppy to the vet after we took it home like you recommended. 

Ok, no problem. Until it becomes a problem. We do the best we can, we have this puppy going to your home in as healthy a condition as possible, and all we ask is that you please take it to the vet within the first 48 hours after the puppy leaves here. The reason for that is so that your vet can confirm that everything my vet said is true. Yes, we do trust our vet, but if anything bad happens to the puppy in a month from now, and it still hasn’t been to the vet, that makes me as the breeder look really bad. And I don’t like to look bad. 

Why do you care what dog food our puppy eats after we take it home? 

I care because it matters. You might not agree, and you don’t need to, but I as the breeder have figured out what this puppy will do well on in terms of diet, and the best thing you can do for the puppy is to keep it consistent. If not forever, at least the first thirty to sixty days. If you go out and buy a bag of the cheapest dog food you can buy, and then your puppy gets diarrhea, which it will, and you post all over social media how horrible of a breeder I am, it adds a few more gray hairs to my head. And no, I probably won’t ever sell you another puppy, in case you were wondering. 

What, I need to sign a contract just because I bought a puppy from you? 

Yes, we actually do require a signed document clearly stating each parties’ responsibilities, etc., etc. No, it’s not because we don’t trust you. Understand that when we clear up everything now, and get everything in black and white, it causes less confusion and frustration down the road. Also, you could be Adam for all I know, so I don’t know that you won’t try to sue me as soon as you leave. 

I’m calling because the puppy you sold to us has roundworms, and I would like to be reimbursed for the dewormer that the vet recommended we use. Unfortunately, puppies can have worms. Also unfortunately, puppies do not get produced like a piece of equipment, so we can’t just tweak the manufacturing process a bit to keep it from happening again. Yes, we do have a strict deworming protocol in place, and we do everything we can to keep this from happening. But at the end of the day, worms and parasites are something you’ll need to stay on top of. Yes, we looked at three other litters before we came here, but don’t worry, they were all healthy. Ok, so the reason we’re asking you to respect our biosecurity measures is not because we love being a jerk. You may not know this, but if any of our dogs or puppies catch a disease or virus, it is a really big deal. A big deal as in dead puppies, thousands of dollars in vet bills, sleepless nights, and upset customers. I know the other puppies looked healthy, but pretty please, just wear those booties and use that hand sanitizer without throwing a tantrum. Don’t worry, I’ll sign up for the free 30-day pet insurance when I get home. Excuse me, but we actually need to take care of this before you leave. Yes, you will need to pull out your phone, scan this code, and bear the excruciating pain of answering 2 minutes of questions. I do not doubt your intentions of taking care of this later, but the next few days for you willed be filled with accidents, dug up flower beds, and a lot of curious neighbors. So, let’s just do this right now, and then if something bad does happen, and we have no reason to think it will, you’re covered. Again, not recommended in real life! I wish you all grace and forbearance in your journey to provide amazing customer care and support to your new puppy parents.